The decision to kiss for the first time is the most crucial in any love story. It changes the relationship of two people much more strongly than even the final surrender, because this kiss already has within it that surrender.

~Emil Ludwig

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The deal with the devil

Sometimes it feels almost like the dark of the night swallowed me in.

When you get scalded by the harsh wind, do you tell yourself to be strong or fight pass it.

I see visions at night. Visions surreal, so sweet, so hopeful and as my hand brushed against his bristled chin I know…I am still the only one dreaming.

I never knew, never knew kisses could taste of so many things. The sweet jelly of the honeycomb, the salty pain from my heart, the dreams of tomorrow, the agreement I made with the devil.

A forth night before, I never knew. I never knew the feeling of protection a hand can give ,  as our fingers intertwined , as he pulled me past the crowd. Somehow, everything around him turn blur. He is the only clear picture.  The only clear picture I see. I never felt intensity to this height, never felt warmth this close, and yet, sometimes I am lost. I feel lost and unsure.

The hugs remind me of the shortness, the timeframe, the expiration.

His eyes remind me how he knew, he anticipated, he doesn’t see further.

I became greedy after a forth night. Where was the girl who was casually brushing her short brunette locks? Where was the girl who used to play the game so well? Where was she who said…I don’t care, I wouldn’t fall.

I made a deal and learnt. I learnt that you do not use emotions to bargain with the devil. Because you simply will lose.

Take my life if you will. Just don’t break my heart. I might not be able to live after this.


I love long bus rides. Sitting in an almost empty bus, with music in my ears and sun kissing down my cheeks. I actually get off 2 stops before mine, at the terminal waiting for the longest time ever to just go on my bus ride.

It’s the time when I am not part of the real world. A time when I think, when I put my mask down and devour in problems mediocre to the world.

Someone said to me today, you must have been hurt a lot, and you must be really sad.

“Why do you say so?” I asked

~it’s just that you are always happy. ~

The logic in the conversation, I do understand 🙂

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Along the path of growing up, I lost the innocence. Growing up does that to you.

My eyes.They start to aged.

My tired heart. beats slower each time.I guess I wished for it to turn to stone.
Who am I kidding?I am not exactly immortal.

The thing is…I trusted, loved, befriended

Along the way….I lost it all.Every time my hand grasp on to something I tend to lose it.Maybe I am cursed.

So I trusted. I loved. Befriended. Broken. and there I am sitting on the hard wooden floor again crying gallons of tears promising myself to never let myself hurt again.  Each time I do a little better. I build up a stronger defense mechanism.

With each shield I built myself, I lost a little of myself.

Each time I fall. I pull myself together to be stronger even though I know I am at the edge. I made it through each an every time. Each time I become a little more apathetic. I hope I am at least.


Sometimes I wished Im born from stone, cold and callous.

On the plateau where I stand

Possible is it, in this vastness of space full of faces in which accustomed I already am and yet here I am helplessly inadequate to smile or speak. Interpreting every sway of the hips, the movements of the hands, the eyes so deceiving can be rather weary. I looked into those dark brown eyes trying to embrace close to me the last hint of sincerity and genuineness . Something drifted from my side since the very day….I yearned thirstily for the slightest hint of pureness, slightest tinge of innocence glistening along the windowpanes of life. Have they left us isolated in this isle of misery? Have they thoughtlessly left the heart hollow and walked towards their garden of eden?or because paranoid I am , or because I am merely guarding this heart of mine,or because I am all bleed out.

Trembled my lips,those bleak bitter nights. Hands and feet of mine toasty beneath the chunky blue comforter patterned with swirls, yet Jack Frost gave them no rest and blew glacial of wind turning them blue. Thoughts haunted the best of me during witching hours in the dusk of the room. Tossing and turning,specks of tears retrieved, refusing to surrender to defeat.

Walking along the trail, I looked only ahead, I saw only the marker and to the marker was my adventure. Affrayed am I not,and if defeating hungry beasts would be means of survival, I would if I only could but the faint of my heart would only get the better of me. If I could just be a little more rigid,abandon naiveness in a bag and leave them in the forest of the forgone. Maybe then I would be a fighter and not the flimsy butterfly in the grasp of your strong palms crushing me. Walking along the trail, upon reaching my destination I was in ecstasy thus forgot the path home. I fret at the sight of unfamiliar buildings, unfamiliar route, Whipped out my cell and I looked helplessly as though technology-ignorant I became. I had no one in mind. Maybe I thought to myself, I am supposed to learn to be independent But God I asked, But God I said the price to learn this lesson is a price a little too much to pay.Do you not agree?

On the Plateau where I stand,I looked down to the sea of people waltzing to the melody of Blue Danube. On the plateau where I stand, I felt insignificant, lonely, really, like a wall flower blending into the posies growing along the terrace. Lonely among the hundreds,millions of faces who knows my name.Ringing bells of laughter seemed like miles away, Robust pink cheeks and curve upward smile, the welcoming arms seemed like oceans away.Do I have to cross the 7 harsh oceans to see that one who would hold me tight and protect me, or just simply smile at me? I know though, I will know When i see that smile and the glow in the eyes…Just when I see it…Just if I see it….

In my moonlight dream, I danced to the serenade of the sea’s orchestra. I was the princess,who spread joy and suppressed miseries from the Pandora box. In my dream, I was the princess who never cries, and never succumb to sorrow. Give me a pensive, and let me travel along the fringe of time, seeking this moonlight dream of mine where loneliness is a word unknown, and something nonexistent to me.Where fear is not fear, where I am beautiful, where you are here.

Through my eyes, I attempt at my very best to only indulge in the best of a person. Ignorant I am sometimes to things I do not want to see or know. Ignorance is bliss, isn’t that how the saying goes…but you know if Aphrodite cruises along the avenue of roses.She will leave crystals of tears looking down at how beauty can be ruined. Did they not know beauty illuminates from within?

Maybe someone should tell them…..

Turn off the lights

Vodka & Coke. Sleeping pills. Slitted wrist. Drunk. Drown. Drunk. Drown. Sorrows. Despair. Promiscuious. Drugs. High. Memories. Unwanted. Distant. Close. Far.Near. The past. Dark. Shadows. Haunting. Scared. Confused. Alone. I wanted tocry. I did not want to cry. I wanted to cry. I could not cry. I cried. Suffocating. Torturing. Unpleasant. Sad movies. Pushing me. Forcing me. Cornered. Questions. Words.True. Untrue.Knifes.I wanted to talk. I did not want to talk. I wanted to talk. I couldn’t talk. I want someone. I did not want anyone. I did not want to be seen. I wanted a hug. Did I really want a hug? Locked doors. Yellow lights. Motion. Silence.Dark room. Dark quiet room. I wanted to sleep. I couldn’tsleep. I wanted to forget. I kept thinking. I wanted vodka. I wanted to run. Where to? I don’t know. I don’t know. Strong. Weak. Strong. Weak. Game. You. Me. Us.Same. Different. Fair. Unfair.Whispers. Murmurs.  Eyes. Paranoid.The world. Trust. Betrayal. Friends. Family. Stress. Pressure. Smiles. No smiles. Tears. Bleeding. Acidic. Feelings. Alone. Am I really? Home. Cold. Warmth. Cold again. Dear God.I pray. Angels. Faith. Hopes. Dreams. Thoughts. Ability. Unable to. Leave me alone. Stay with me. Important. Immaterial. Insignificant.Confused. Messy. Running. Running. Running. Hiding. Hiding. Where am I? Where are you? Love, Princess. Family. Myself. Me. I. Wobbly. Cliff. Pedestal. Pain. Migraine. Breathe. How. Teach me. Waking up. Not now. Maybe Later. Maybe never.


Stares were distant, though right beside me was where you stood. Smile, yeah, if you call it a smile. I guess in a way it can pass as a smile. Barely though but it will work.
How are classes? Great. Smile.
Weather is not bad eh. Yeah. Smile
Yeah, Glad winter is finally ending. yeah. Smile
Hardly seen you around. Busy? Yeah. Smile
ooh…look Bus…Yay~
(and then we both sighed in relief entering the right at the front, and you right at the back just so we could avoid those small talks in which how obvious it may be..we both just can’t take)
Noticed the one word followed by full stop followed by a smile
You fidgeting your bag, I wishing to run away.Your constant feet shuffling,body towards the open road, Eyes kept looking for an exit. and I wanted to say. Dear, there is no exit point where we are right now.
I swear I saw you grinding your teeth. For formality sake,we stood there conjuring small talks.Voice fading. Head spinning, oh no, definitely not overwhelmed with the excitement that we are talking right here to each other. Head spinning thinking of what to fill the silent blanks in our conversation. Probably sound of crows and pigeon coo~ing would be a better fit but oh the smiles work fine too. Would be worse if only one of us possesed the smile. I would have felt bad. But praise the higher powers that we both shared the smile, thus I guess in a way make matters alot easier.
Oh my..remember those days was what I wanted to say. Those days. Where were they? Back of your broom closet swarming in dust. Forgotten. but oh…remember those days.I wanted to stress. but oh well, what it takes to make you happy? The world can fall into the realm of the snow queen. What it takes to make you happy? If yesterday flew to Narnia and never came back. Give anything for you to be happy.and if those smiles gave you their resume and you were please with them. If those smiles were what it takes to make you a happy person after the weird 10 minutes. Then what the heck. We can work those awkward smiles to perfection until the world call quits.
Smile. and Smile. Smiles are good, I do not have anything against smiles. Its the meaning behind the smile. The body language that was shot at me. Have I forgotten to mention, that I can read body language? oh wait, once too many was how much I mentioned.
Maybe that is the problem.