In a few hours time…I will be on the plane to Moscow…the feeling I have is really unexplainable..Do I want to go? Do I want to stay? haha~ not exactly sure…

I have been deleting and retyping these few lines again and again unable, unsure how is it I should express these feelings in me. What do I actually want to say? What is it I want to say? I really do not know myself. I went through a couple of stuff over the summer, some of it I am definately not proud of but of course I did fulfill part of my duty as a “good” daughter hehe~  and I did had a couple of days in which I truly enjoyed myself.

On days when it was raining, I am very glad to have friends behind me holding this very very huge bright colour umbrella telling me to stay strong and cheering me up. I probably said thank you and sorry a million times but yeah I mean it from deep down the bottom of my heart…Thank you very much. I would not know how to walk through those days without the support you gave.I would not know how to go on.

That was not it. I actually had this talk with a friend. We grew up together and she will probably be the friend who will hang out with me until we turn 50 or 60 haha~and as I thought our friendship was evaporating bit by bit, I was assured by her that our friendship is in actual fact not that weak… under the rainy sky, in the roadside mamak,me in shorts and t-shirt, she in a beautiful dress and heels eating her Roti Banjir and me with my overly sweet milo. We talk and giggled like we were 12 years old again. I miss it and was glad to have that chance this time.

Somehow, I knew deep down this summer meant alot to me. This includes untying the knot in my heart which weighed me down for years. Family. Friends. Understanding myself. I thought I went through alot but I did not. I am still trying to learn about myself, I am still giving myself a chance to understand who I truly am.

and the fireworks…I went to one performance, no doubt it was beautiful, no doubt I still have this undying love for fireworks :p very kiddy right but i love watching those colours burst out into the dark blue sky… However… I refuse to go to the other two eventhough I had invitiations. It was not because it reminded me of the sad things that happen. It was because it actually reminded me of the really happy and enjoyable night i had. I was laughing so much and that I have not laugh so much since that night…I have not laugh so genuinely and i meant like laughing and smiling as if nothing in the world matters….and I knew, If i were to go to the other 2 performances, I would not be as happy, I would not enjoy it because my standing was still unstable and I had to lean on to a  walking stick. Because my eyes were still blurry and would then unable to see the beautiful colours.Why let unpleasant memories overtake beautiful ones? I might as well leave it as my very last happy memory then let something sad overtake it.

I really have to learn to understand myself more.

I am 21 now. 21 is nothing but figures. 21 doesn’t make you less a child and more of an adult. Nothing will make you less a child and more of an adult. it is with your own will, your very self to grow, to actually step out into the world as an adult.

Leaving home again, leaving Malaysia once again…haha I really do not know how I feel. My family are already use to me flying and already use to my unpredictable and impulsive ways. They are already use to  the apparently “independent” girl who never have to stick to them, they are already use to the daughter who is never homesick. My friends are well…some of them are leaving too and those that are not will be busy to notice my absence  As usual Malaysia will not miss me. and I am sure this year will not be any different. I will not be missed. Life goes on as usual as if nothing happen. Everyone will still be happy as I take the final look behind before I board the 7:50 flight.

and you know what

 I am glad of that :) 

 because in my every prayer I wish for happinese for everyone around me …for now …for always

alright alright..haha Ann is done being emo dy Thank you for reading my emo blog eh…haha love you all to the max…muaks muaks…

P.s you all wont miss me but i will miss all of you alot

First of all get a pretty empty bowl

and then pick a bag of wishes and dip your fingers into it

 Sprinkled it into the empty cereal bowl

First dose of wishes is LOVE

Reach for the bag again and take a pinch of another wish

Second dose is always HAPPINESS

~because that always makes you smile in your tummy

The third dose is SUNSHINE

~to warm you up inside

Next is definately MAGIC

and after that FUN

Now that you put in all your wishes, you can add the cereals…in my case is KOKO KRUNCH which is my favourite ~haha

NOW after you put in the cereals its time for the last and final wish which is the most important wish of all. Its the most EXTRA EXTRA SPECIAL. Because what we sprinkle on top is a secret wish that we don’t tell anyone. You can wish for anything. Absolutely anything. Close your eyes tight and Clasp your hands together and wish it with all your heart.

after that

Pour the milk in

and scoop a huge spoon of cereals and it will taste like ….

the BEST and the MOST DELICIOUS BREAKFAST in the world:D

A whole new day

A whole new start

A stronger heart

A tougher stand

A greater understanding

A chance for myself

Turning a deaf ear

To what’s unpleasant…..

But going on with my days

with nothing but smiles and laughter

Give me one more chance to fight another time. Right now I can’t do what I want but it is only a matter of time I know I will not be forsaken…