03.26.08
Blue lips and numb fingers…
The past week was really stressful for me, actually the whole one month, stuff happened and whether it was my fault or not I am not even sure however I somehow convinced myself that it was my fault. Despite the gastroduodenum problem, I guess ..me thinking of those stuff secretes more HCL into where it should not be. Even now though, typing this I am hurting myself internally and have to swallow a painkiller. I guess I have to just scream it all out and let it all go.
I walked out into the cold air that day. The cold winter night, I felt the breeze blew kisses to my cheeks making them all rosy. I debated with myself again and again letting those words play in my head over and over again like a broken record. I tried to recall everything I said and did, everything that happened in which caused me to reach this stage once again. I fought the currents with all my might and for years I was the captain of my own ship reading the bearings and protecting myself from those waters but somehow I was not careful and I was overthrown out of my own ship. Once stranded in the middle of the South China Sea, I did not have the strenght to swim to shore. I could not float along with the current either. I was simply drowning and I was giving up. I allowed the waves to overtake my body, I allowed the chill from the water to run into my skin, I was not able to fight it and I was turning blue. My hands and feet were numb of energy …of feelings and I could not find myself anymore.I couldn’t breathe. I lost that glow in my eyes, I seemed dead, I did not know me anymore. I was just stranded at sea and not know what to do. I was not fighting but drowning in the cold dark water.
and then I saw the reason to fight again…I saw what I can do, my ability and how one thing which hurt me so badly and was bothering me doesn’t seem to matter as much comparing to what I am able to do for others. I cannot go on blaming myself, (I should have listen to that the moment you told me..Im sorry I didn’t) I cannot just listen to the waves obediently but instead I have to fight through it. The waves did not even hushed words into my ears on why its taking me away so why should I sit there and wait and listen…I waited and I was drowning and then I realised it is not as if the waves can speak or will ever speak…
I saw the reason for me to remain strong…the things I have to do…Things that need me to swim hard, climb up my ship and join the others in a battle…I have to remain focus I realised that and it took me awhile to realise that…
Many cold winter day walks…
many naggings and fierce comments…
many comforting and sensible words ~and even if it took awhile for it to sink in….it still did and that’s what is important…
Sometimes, the wind have to keep remininding me to fight the currents, the constant reminder will finally sink in. and then the sky will have to open up for me to see the sunlight again instead of thunderstorm ….and as I am slowly sinking down to the bottom hitting the coral reefs, The wind whispered one last reminder and it hit me and the the sun tore open the sky
and then My eyes started to glow again, My lips were no longer blue, feelings returned to the tip of my fingers and toes and then I regained my strenght and my enormous energy and enthusiasm and then I was able to swim towards the ship, give myself a hell of a push and climb up the ship…
“Ahoy there…Captain Ann is BACK once again!!”
and also apologizing for those missing self-seeking time I took.
P.S: I should have listen earlier and I am sorry I didn’t. I guess sometimes I have to move at my own pace. I am not a girl who can be rushed and have to learn stuff with me feeling it with my own steps but like my msn nickname reads…I REBOOTED pushing all those poisonous thoughts away just so I will not be reintouched with my past …I RESTART meaning i can wake up smilling each day and I am READY TO MOVE ON…cause I am done guessing…and I have more important things to put my focus into.It is indeed my fault that I ended up that way…but I got my focus back again…
P.S: to the special person…I am sorry if I hurt you, said anything I shouldn’t have said or did anything I shouldn’t have done…I didn’t meant for things to turn out this way and I did not break my promise. I am still here for you, and we are still friends. I am still waiting for that day when you forgive me and talk to me once again.I told you once and I will say it again. I am your friend thus I am still here if one day you decide to talk to me, to yell at me whatever you want to do. But I am still here and it is a promise I made to you and a promise I keep and did not break.You have to know though, Sometimes, things aren’t what they seemed to be……
03.24.08
Gender dictionary…
DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN’S PERSONAL ADS
40-ish…………………………49
Adventurous…………………Slept with all your friends
Athletic……………………….No boobs
Average looking……………..Ugly
Beautiful………………………Pathological liar
Contagious Smile…………….Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure…………..On medication
Feminist……………………….Fat
Free spirit……………………..Junkie
Friendship first……………….Former slut
Fun…………………………….Annoying
Gentle…………………………Dull
New Age………………………Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded…………………Desperate
Outgoing………………………Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate……………………Sloppy drunk
Poet……………………………Depressive
Professional…………………..Bitch
Romantic………………………Frigid
Voluptuous……………………Very Fat
Large frame…………………..Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate…………….Stalker
Widow…………………………Murderer
WOMEN’S ENGLISH
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you’ll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you’re in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You’re very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?
MEN’S ENGLISH
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let’s have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I’d like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I’d like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don’t go with that outfit = I’m gay
03.21.08
U.P.D.A.T.E.S
Updates on the sick sick me.. I have been sick for almost a month and…I am RECOVERING>>> I am showing signs of improvement meaning I stop vomiting food and I am supposed to start eating stuff other than porridge…YEAH!!!
I do have additional medications to take and I have to take care of my diet for another 2 weeks…but it is good that I am feeling alot better…Im finally returning to Uni on Monday which Im totally screwed because I have 3 tests to catch up on this week and with me being fatigue and lethargic all the time is really killing me…
but the bright side is…IM GETTING BETTER!!!
03.19.08
My Bedside Prayer…
I pray you’ll be our eyes,
and watch us where we go,
and help us to be wise,
in times we do not know.
I pray we’ll find your light,
and hold it in our hearts,
reminding us always,
when stars go out each night,
that in our prayer,
you are the everlasting star,
shinning so brightly,
on our days filled with gloom shadows,
We dream of a world of peace,
we dream of a world of love,
A world with no violence,
filled with hopes and justice,
Grasp your neighbour’s hands,
as a sign of peace and brotherhood,
let us stand close together,
and hold our hands to pray,
I pray for strenght,
to go through with no sweat,
I pray for courage,
to fight this battle before us,
I pray you keep us safe,
I pray that we see the way,
I pray that you open our eyes,
for us to not be blind,
I pray to be your hands,
so that I can make a change,
I pray to stand this firm to my ground.
to have determination to face the obstacles.
Let this be our prayer,
As we go our way,
Lead us to a place,
Guide us with your grace,
To a place where we’ll be safe.
From Charlotte Church’s “My Prayer” with a little alteration…it truly speaks for what is in my heart right now….
03.16.08
Dillema
Should you do something because you feel obligated to even though you are not really that comfortable with it?
or
Should you walk away and not care what the rest of the world thinks?
My heart tells me to do the latter, to just walk away and not care what everyone thinks because it is not like i didn’t try but then will I be able to tolerate the constant pestering…and the obligation is there…the obligation that everyone expects you to fulfil…If you know me…dissapointing people is not something I would like to do…
What should I do? What do you think I should do?
Follow my heart or not…
Anyway…on a lighter note for your viewing and actually MORE to my viewing pleasure…hehE
DaYs DeFiNaTeLy ShInE mUcH bRiGhTeR lOoKiNg At ThIs LiL sUnNy FlOwErS
SwEeT eH!!
They come in bags?? Tell me where can I get my very own one..haha
cute rite!
Celine dion and her babies-Anne Geddes style
that is my favourite picture…That is angel that God sent….I love this picture..
I wish I can cradle thae baby in my arms and play with her…im sure i will never let go…haha
picture courtesy of Anne Geddes the profesional photographer for babies…you can check out her link at my blogroll
03.15.08
MTV 2007 Chris Brown, Timberland, Nelly F. etc..
CRAZY AMAZING Most wonderful performance ever…I never get bored watching this eventhough it was like so last year
03.14.08
Torture Chamber
I walked into the room trembling and it was not because it was 4 degrees and I was only wearing a t-shirt…That was definately not it~I looked at that semi-bald guy in a white lap coat with a smile which was definately not convincing. They told me to walk into that dark room at the corner and lie on the white bed which they obviously did not sanitize from the last dude that came in a minute ago.
I lied on the bed…very unwillingly….the nurse told me to turn on to my side and she draped a white cloth over me and i looked in front at the apparatus on the trolley..
What did I realised which made me more nervous?
(1) there was NO computer screen
(2)there was this long black stick ….a hell of a long stick…and a very stiff hard plastic long stick
(3)where the hell was the flexible stick…that was not supposed to hurt
The doctor came in… spoke in russian….asking me if my name is Ann and what he should call me. He kept smilling as if he was very handsome…but he really wasn’t. His nurse smiled as though they have an inside joke and you can totally picture them like planning this crazy scheme. this crazy programme that tortures people.yeah the mad doctors and nurses trying to target young innocent people like me.
She stuffed an orange mouthpiece into my mouth and before I could say “Chas”(give me a minute) he stuffed the freaking black stick down my throat without even giving me a chance to take a deep breath .the end of the stick has a lil light and he was looking into the eyepiece at the other end…like how 15th century is that. HE freaking shoved the stick down my throat…I was struggling…My nails dugged deep into the bed and I broke my nails.. it hurts~the nails.
I couldn’t breathe and my eyes were tearing up…My legs were kicking all over the place as if it might help the sligthest bit to break me free. As the thing was pushed deeper in, my vision was blur with tears running down my cheeks and I was just praying…
“Dear God, Please let this end…Please end this now!!”
I felt like I was being strangled, I felt like I was going to be murdered….Like I totally understand how those victims feel when they were being strangled to death.
Not only did he pushed the stick deeper in making my throat hurt, my tummy was getting all quesy. He had to MOVE and WRIGGLED the freaking stick which made me choke more and wanted to vomit but what the hell was there to vomit when I did not eat anything.
and then he said “Vsio” (done)
”Oh my God…thank God…Thank God”
but it was hell when he pulled the thing out…it was like pulling something rough out of a smooth surface…you know the friction and stuff…as soon as the thing came out of my throat i sat up coughing and vomiting…tears were still streaming down my cheeks and it took me a while to gather myself together. It was like i had a lack of oxygen…it was like i did not breathe for that 10 mins which seems almost like forever. it was like at that moment my soul was going to leave me and leave me to me die…that was a freaking long 10 minutes or was it only 5…hmmm…I looked more sick after the whole process than before it
THAT WAS THE MOST HORRIBLE THING I HAVE EVER DONE…..that was ENDOSCOPIC for you….its painful…don’t believe people when they say it is not painful…after that an hour later the tummy was still quesy and the throat was so sore….
but good thing is now…I finally know what is wrong with me…what is with the 3 weeks plus of pain..I did an ultrasound too…no…I AM NOT PREGNANT..Im perfectly normal…haha~
moral of the story is:-
(A) EAT on time
(B) do not go on stupid diets
(C) and according to Peter….eat meat
(D) do not be so busy that you forget to eat
(E) do not get gastric
(F) do not go for endoscopic
RESULTS…..I have gastric on the duodenum part of the stomach or is it in between the duodenum and the stomach…something like that…and apparently it takes 1 month recovery time…I am not sure…all i know is i really want to eat ice-cream and nuggets and fries …AND JAVACHIP….and I AM TAKING A WEEK OFF SCHOOL
so…yeah that wraps up the most torturing day of my life…despite that I feeling kinda numb and dizzy cuz i ate dinner…so im signing off now….I really hope to recover soon…but if it takes one month then I am going to be a good girl and go on a strict diet for one month and I am not going to break it because nothing you can do to get me into that freaking room to do endoscopic again…NEVER EVER AGAIN!!!
IT IS NEVER….YOU HEAR ME!!!
03.10.08
1 Rose
This is the only thing I hav been eating and the only thing I can eat for another week…Damn torturing right especially when I absolutely despise porridge…but yeah…porridge and tea is my main food now( below is Fish porridge…the best I have ever cooked…tste not bad too) haha
ON SATURDAY was WOMEN’S DAY and I got a flower…a rose…my first rose I received..haha
THANK YOU PETER THANK YOU WEE KEE..(big big hug for both of you) i knowthat it is not worth it to spend on flowers but then it is my first one…so im super duper happy..so…yeah I should probably say don’t waste money buing flowers…but then I am really really happy
That is where it is now…my roommate say if i hang it upside down it will laste longer…so i did
I miss her…
I miss them…the noisemakers irritating sisters..haha…I miss them lots
03.08.08
PICK me…CHOOSE me… LOVE me…
My favourite quotes from Grey’s Anatomy…
LoVey-DoVeY qUoTeS
“Pick me, Choose me, Love me”
~Meredith Grey~
For a kiss to be really good, you want it to mean something. You want it to be with someone you can’t get out of your head, so that when your lips finally touch you feel it everywhere. A kiss so hot and so deep you never want to come up for air. You can’t cheat your first kiss. Trust me, you don’t want to. Cause when you find that right person for a first kiss, it’s everything.”
~Alex Karev~
“Pain, You just have to ride it out,hope it goes away on it’s own,hope the wound that causes it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers,you just breathe deep and hope for it to subside, Most of the time, Pain can be managed, but sometimes the pain get you where you least expect it.Hits way below the belt and doesn’t let it up. Pain, you just have to fight through,because the truth is you can’t outrun it and life makes more.”
~Meredith Grey~
“I’ve heard that it is impossible to grow up.I’ve just never met anyone who have actually done it.Without parents to defy,we break the rules we make for ourselves.We throw tantrum when things don’t go our way.We whisper secrets with our best friends in the dark.We look for comfort where we can find it, and we hope- against all logic, against all experience.Like children we never give up hope.”
~Meredith Grey~
We go into medicine because we want to save lives. We go into medicine because we want to do good. We go into medicine for the rush… for the high… for the ride. But, what we remember at the end of most days are the losses. What we lay awake at night replaying is the pain we caused or failed to cure. The lives we ruined or failed to save. So the experience of practicing medicine rarely resembles the goal. The experience too often is ass backwards and upside down.”
~Meredith Grey~
